the Key and Its Signature

Let’s face it: universities are tough on everyone. While undergraduates work up a sweat trying to pass their requisite gauntlet of courses, their professors are busy grading papers, preparing lectures, and submitting meaty articles to journals. As the year rolls on, the stress builds, the face-wrinkles show, and the count-down to summer slows to an unbearable crawl.

Something has to give.

In this series—the Academic Survival Guide—I give you the tips that may just get you through your next quarter (or semester, if you prefer). Of course, your mileage may vary.

To get through the tough times, you’ve got to know your substances. “What do you mean by substances,” you ask? Pain-killers, caffeine, prescription drugs, herbs, spices—any chemical compound that will get you through your day.

After all, a headache can kill your productivity, make your downtime less refreshing (read: less effective), and leave you tired the next day. Two or three of my professors have Costco-bulk-style bottles of pain killers in their office—how else would they be able to read Richard Rorty as if it were a Stephen King novel?

Here’s what to do:

Stock up on medications. Know what they do, which are effective, and (most importantly) in what ways may can harm you. Either way, it is good to have cold and allergy medicines, painkillers, and other first aid medicinal supplies on hand just in case.

Invest in a knowledge of herbs. Peppermint oils have been shown to aid digestion, while St. Johns Wort has been found to be effective in treating mild to moderate depression symptoms. Teas are your friend, and often the soothing feeling of warm flavored-water is placebo enough to keep the most unstable of us from flying off-the-handle.

Gauge yourself. The key to success lies within the old adage: “know thyself.” Trite? Sure. But novelty does not always equal truth—especially when it comes to medicating yourself. If you know that you’ll be jittery after that third cup of coffee, pace yourself! If you don’t know if Acetometophine will obliterate that toothache, figure out what will. And for Christ’s sake, don’t take that whole dose of vicodin the night before the deadline—no matter what the doctor ordered!

Go easy on the junk food. A greasy bag of Doritos and a syrup-laden Coca-Cola will always bring you down no matter how delicious it may be. A couple plump, juicy oranges will leave you nothing less than refreshed. I’ve seen the junk-food-effect happen to more than my fair share of freshmen and professors alike. It is better to be spry than sluggish.

Be Careful. Aspirin may keep the elderly from dying of heart attack, but it can rip a hole in your stomach lining if you’re not careful enough. Again, figure out what harm your chosen substances can do before it’s too late.