May 04 1 comments
Uncategorized

Academic Survival Guide: #1, Know Your Substances

Let’s face it: universities are tough on everyone. While undergraduates work up a sweat trying to pass their requisite gauntlet of courses, their professors are busy grading papers, preparing lectures, and submitting meaty articles to journals. As the year rolls on, the stress builds, the face-wrinkles show, and the count-down to summer slows to an unbearable crawl.

Something has to give.

In this series—the Academic Survival Guide—I give you the tips that may just get you through your next quarter (or semester, if you prefer). Of course, your mileage may vary.

To get through the tough times, you’ve got to know your substances. “What do you mean by substances,” you ask? Pain-killers, caffeine, prescription drugs, herbs, spices—any chemical compound that will get you through your day.

After all, a headache can kill your productivity, make your downtime less refreshing (read: less effective), and leave you tired the next day. Two or three of my professors have Costco-bulk-style bottles of pain killers in their office—how else would they be able to read Richard Rorty as if it were a Stephen King novel?

Here’s what to do:

Stock up on medications. Know what they do, which are effective, and (most importantly) in what ways may can harm you. Either way, it is good to have cold and allergy medicines, painkillers, and other first aid medicinal supplies on hand just in case.

Invest in a knowledge of herbs. Peppermint oils have been shown to aid digestion, while St. Johns Wort has been found to be effective in treating mild to moderate depression symptoms. Teas are your friend, and often the soothing feeling of warm flavored-water is placebo enough to keep the most unstable of us from flying off-the-handle.

Gauge yourself. The key to success lies within the old adage: “know thyself.” Trite? Sure. But novelty does not always equal truth—especially when it comes to medicating yourself. If you know that you’ll be jittery after that third cup of coffee, pace yourself! If you don’t know if Acetometophine will obliterate that toothache, figure out what will. And for Christ’s sake, don’t take that whole dose of vicodin the night before the deadline—no matter what the doctor ordered!

Go easy on the junk food. A greasy bag of Doritos and a syrup-laden Coca-Cola will always bring you down no matter how delicious it may be. A couple plump, juicy oranges will leave you nothing less than refreshed. I’ve seen the junk-food-effect happen to more than my fair share of freshmen and professors alike. It is better to be spry than sluggish.

Be Careful. Aspirin may keep the elderly from dying of heart attack, but it can rip a hole in your stomach lining if you’re not careful enough. Again, figure out what harm your chosen substances can do before it’s too late.

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Jan 24 1 comments
Doing

Organic, Free-Range, All-Natural, Human Beings

Walking down the isle at the local grocery store I took note of the newer marketing ploys meant to entice potential customers. The once popular “no-msg” is accompanied by “low calorie” or “no high fructose corn syrup,” enriched foods are being replaced by whole grain foods (of which we are told to accept no imitations), and that dreadful concoction they call Splenda lurks within damn-near every “sugar free” food. All of these product lines draw our attentions and intentions back to matters of body—the so-called obesity pandemic of our times. When will we shed those no-longer unwanted but down right deadly pounds of fat? When will we be able to showcase our oddly-nourished but all-”natural” bodies and defy the Hostess franchise?

Let’s switch gears. I once had a dog—a spaniel named Cody—who fell into a violent fit of epilepsy. Once every hour he would quake. The late night veterinarian asked my mother and I what Cody had (or could have) eaten. “There is this fertilizer that he might have eaten—but it says that it is all-natural,” mother replied. Being a covert smart-ass, I kept my initial reactions to myself and hoped the vet would speak on my behalf; after all, the vet held post-graduate credentials and I hadn’t even finished high school. Fortunate enough for me, the vet came through with a calm but pointed remark: “just because it’s natural does not mean it won’t hurt you.”

There is a line drawn between man and his environment, and this line is flimsy. Drawing attention to this line sells deadly fertilizers, (morally) justifies the actions of predatory creatures, and (to return to the original topic) makes us feel dirty for eating Flaming Hot Cheetoes. Today I ask a question that should occupy the thoughts amongst the hoi polloi (yes, that means you and I): are we not part of the natural world?

When I look at the New York City skyline, I can marvel at it and wonder how men can come to build magnificent things. When I look at a mile long series of beaver dams, it would not be out of the ordinary to consider the works of beavers one of many works of “nature.” Birds nests, grassy fields, coral reefs; all of these things are considered natural in that they are untouched by humans. Perhaps the lowly beaver considers the skyscraper a marvelous work of nature, in that a skyscraper is untouched by beaver hands … paws.

I, for one, happen to consider human beings a full part of the natural process; and, sure, “natural” will become a useless category in the aftermath. Of what use is it to separate what is naturally attained from what is humanly attained anyway? Human hands, at this point, are required for the use of anything outside of ourselves. Wheat must be processed and packaged, cleaned of bugs and seasoned for flavor. Even berries must be picked and used for something other than nourishing the seeds contained within. Everything we have dubbed natural has lost it’s link to nature; we devise each step in the process, and each step is one away from “nature” (if there was such a distinct thing to begin with). Is high fructose corn syrup any less natural than a simpler sugar? If you think so, then you must have an elaborate definition of nature. Yes, you may be in for a sweet surprise.

It was no surprise for me to find that seaweed extract has a high concentration of MSG in it—this happened long before the term mono-sodium glutamate came around. Scientific language is part of the problem here. No scientist is afraid of dihydrogen monoxide, but many have fell prey to shame when they figured it out: they were the butt of a joke. The fear of the unnatural has the average person afraid of drinking water!

We are part of this world whether or not we like to admit it and regardless of our theoretical baggage. Some of our actions will kill us, others will kill us slowly but contribute to our mental well-being (recreational drugs, anyone?), and much of what the others will tell us about these acts will be—excuse the obscenities—utter bullshit.

Think about it next time you pick up the groceries.

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Jan 21 0 comments
Doing

Pick On Someone Your Own Size

Like most things on my mind these days, I must begin this entry in an academic way. A professor—who I will allow to remain anonymous—expressed his concern over Stanley Cavell’s early written works in the Winter of `08. He explained that Cavell was picking on the more insignificant critics of his work, and that he might have better spent his time addressing “greater minds.” What a troubling notion for me: I spend much of my time discussing philosopy with laymen (comparatively speaking), whether they realize it or not. Cavell may have wasted his time, but I am not sure of this. I am almost certain that I am wasting my own. After all, much of what I have to say is lost upon many, and personal victory has been reduced to the successful teaching of some esotetic concept. Perhaps it isn’t the best use of my time, if my aim is to make some sort of progress.

I do not mean to sound melancholy, nor do I mean to condemn those with no plans to read Nietzsche. I only seek to express doubt, uncertainty, and caution. It becomes less clear what is academically relevant, what methods are acceptable to your peers (especially if it your thoughts are inarticulable in any other fashion or if your peers aren’t accustomed to those methodologies), and who should be addressed. If I talk the language of modal logic in an argument with my mother (she is no philosophy professor), it will look as though I am bullying her—bludgeoning her with some specific and (from her perspective) useless knowledge. She (and most people I’ve come to know) would rather I not speak to her that way at all. But what else am I supposed to do when a friend says, “I have a philosophical question for you.” We have to use a gentle hand, but does that mean forgetting our education entirely?—as if that were possible (for me) without heavy drugs.

I like to believe that Stan Cavell was trying to ground his work in the “real world,” or in things he felt were more relevant than mere shop-talk. I like to believe that I am trying to figure out how knowledge can be more accessible for those who do not want to waste their years figuring out what Kant means by “transcendental.” These beliefs, however, may turn out to be convenient (or inconvenient, if you’re the lazy sort) fictions.

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Oct 17 1 comments
Thinking

Throwing Stones and Lifting Swords.

Why are there so many holy wars on the Internet? It seems that whenever there is a choice to be made, people will defend their choice with more fervor than necessary. We’ve got Tabs Vs. Spaces, Vim vs. Emacs, Mac vs. PC (a classic)—the list seems endless.

Whenever I formulate this question, people respond by pointing out: “It’s the Internet,” as if it were some sort of tautology. Isn’t there a reason for this? Is the human race doomed to bicker over insignificant matters until they become zealous battles? In my city, people die because of a disagreement over the neighborhood they live in.

This not “just the internet,” and this is a serious matter.

That’s not to say that people are dying over web browsers and computer brands. I only mean to suggest that perhaps these disagreements are futile in most ways: there as so many problems in the world, and so many solutions. There are so many important things in the world, but we dedicate hours to laying out the comparative merits of tabs and spaces.

I feel foolish, dirty, and dissatisfied.

If a person is making art, then their art-making is important to them, right? If my art is making websites, why should my art hinge on whether or not I use Arial or Helvetica? Or—rather—why is the choice to use Arial treated like a crime? Would a community of painters oust a member for using house paint?

You might be saying to yourself right now, “But Key! Arial is just a knock-off of a better font. People only use it because it comes with Windows.” If you believe your stake in the politics of the past should be the sole dictator of every typographic (artistic) decision, then you’re part of the problem. It is as if you were to say: “You shouldn’t use burgundy because it is dark brown masquerading as red.” Is one color better than another?—what does this even mean?

(Besides, perhaps Arial would be the best choice for me because everyone can read it, and I want people to read my work without problems. Wouldn’t Arial be a reasonable choice for that purpose?)

Again, I feel ridiculous, filthy, and unfulfilled. It is as if I’m screaming from a mountain top at the top of my lungs, but—alas—the world is sleeping. Maybe I am sleeping?

A professor once told me it was important to test theories by applying them to the theory itself—doing so would show you how solid (or flimsy) the theory is. So today I’m setting up my own battle: the war against holy wars. See how ridiculous that sounds? It shows that the world is more complicated than picking a side and drawing a sword, and so I beg of you to lay your swords down.

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